Karma Bombs, Re-occurring Dreams, And New Beginnings

I must apologise to everyone for not adding anymore entries into my blog. Call it a sign of the times, but so far as I know, there has not been one person in my circle of friends and family, who has not been undergoing radical changes in their own lives. Job loss, home loss, losing their savings in the markets, seemingly never-ending wars, etc. ; they all have produced results that have taken their toll. The stresses and such from this period we are going through are difficult enough; but many marriages and relationships have failed and will continue to fail under these harsh conditions. You either pull together or fall apart. Sadly, in the case of my 18 1/2 yr marriage, we failed in keeping it together.
The Hubbs was missing his family and friends. And while we both loved the farm life, the power struggles with different visions and goals made it almost impossible to enjoy any sense of peace with each other anymore.  The realization that our paths were diverging and going separate ways, was especially difficult for me to accept. We had tried in so may ways to rebuild the connection, but it seems the harder we fought against it and tried to remain together, the more we destroyed any hope of remaining even friends. It was like trying to permanently connect the same polar ends of a magnet.  But finally the knowledge, and acceptance that as dearly as I loved my Hubbs, that it was well and truly over, over-took me and almost brought me to my knees. I lashed out at everyone in pain and hid myself away in grief.

And so it was that Mama Karma unleashed the Karma Bomb in our complacent lives in May of this year.  My life, my family’s lives, our friends lives have all taken drastic turns, through a series of events. We are not even the same people we were just a few short months ago. And we are scattered to the 4 winds just as if it were a real bomb that was tossed inside a building of dust.  To say that I could never expect to find myself here all alone would be a lie. The evidence that our paths were taking different courses was right there in front of our eyes for years,  but we just couldn’t accept the outcome and so stubbornly kept trying, ignoring the warning bells and red flags.  That is why it has taken so long to write. I quite literally was stunned into silence and sank into a depression. I did not want to trash or rake my Hubbs over the coals. We have shared each others lives for too long for that. So I chose to wait until I could speak without sounding too raw, or bitter, or hurt.

 I wish only the very best for this man and his family and I know that in time we will each begin to heal and forgive the other. May he find the happiness and peace he longs for and is searching for, he certainly deserves that. And may I also find that , for our lives are far too short for anything else.

 An agreement was reached that we would cash out an annuity plan that the market was greedily eating and apply it to making our separation more fair and equitable.  I found and purchased a foreclosure home on 2.6 acres that was 32mi. away from the Holler. For the Hubbs had grown fond of the place and all the hard work he put into it, so it was only fair that he remain there. Next the Hubbs and I have spent the last 4 months cleaning up, painting and fencing my new home. It is a 3 story home, that quite frankly has haunted my dreams since I was a small child… but I will write more on that later,  for now suffice it to say that I live with my 2 cats, 2 dogs, and right now, my youngest Son, here at WytcheWood Crossing. My dream of making my own jewelry and raising my own organic garden and poultry offline is still strongly intack…just a little altered as I try to figure out how to make it happen with the new dynamics. It will require a lot of work on my part, but it is not impossible.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Each day I grow a little more stronger and less afraid of being on my own, and I know I’ll be okay….in fact I know for sure we all will. I saw that in the afore-mentioned dream.

 Change comes hard to those who are set in their ways and so does forgiveness. I’m no exception to these rules. But Folks, if I have learned any thing, it’s this;……It’s okay to be angry and hurt, but it’s not okay to dis-respect your spouse of many years, and the sooner I forgive and let go, the sooner we all heal and balance is once again achieved. Hanging on in anger to the past only intensifies and unnecessarily prolongs the pain and prevents the healing process from proceeding. Let there always be just a little more room for healing and forgiveness in all our lives. I refuse to allow my relationships to devolve down to publicly making it a game or a win/ lose or wrong or right situation…it never was or will be necessary to stoop so low.  I’ve found out that it’s okay to still admit that you Love your departing Spouse or Significant Other and maybe always will. There is a lot of history between us, our relationship was real and valid and still is. But just like everyone here on the planet, we are evolving, and sometimes that means growing in separate directions…and that is okay too. It truly hurts when that relationship splits, but at least we both, (the Hubbs and I) want to try to set an example and display some compassion and respect to each other during this difficult time….trust me- there was a time not too long ago I was screaming like a shrew and he was saying some vile things….but that is not what either one of us want anymore… it’s honestly time to heal.  And most importantly to me the last thing and probably the most difficult, is allowing it to be okay to forgive and genuinely wish the other spouse well….somedays are better than others. So for right now, I’m going to leave it at this…New Beginnings on the Horizon. I feel as if I’m emerging from a cocoon and just starting to pump up my wings. The Winds of Change are beginning to blow. It is definitely a scary time for me. For 18 1/2 yrs I’ve had my Hubbs at my side who shared the way with me, but time is marching on and so are our lives…just in different directions. For now, my path has become that of a true Hermit and Solitary. But as with all things, it is only a temporary phase and there are always brighter tomorrows.  And yes my Precious Friends; now that the ice is broken and I have recovered my voice; there will be new entries. I wish you all well and look forward in Gratitude and Love to the future. Peace and Blessings;)

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